Bear Market
Once upon a time there was a grizzly bear named Bernie. Like all proper grizzly bears, Bernie was an omnivorous predator with an enormous appetite, whose only mission in life was to store up enough fat to get him through a long retirement in comfort. It was impossible to be sure how much fat this would require, so he followed the universal law, "More is better." Wise deer and rabbits kept an eye peeled for Bernie; the others fed his fat. Such is the way of the woods.
Now, Bernie lived in a national park called Wall Street, where the Park Service had set up strict rules against feeding the bears garbage. This was partly to allow people to visit the park and see the bears without getting hurt. It was also to the bears' benefit, since it kept them fit, fending for themselves and eating a healthy diet. There were also lots of signs warning visitors that grizzly bears are powerful predators to be avoided at all times. This worked pretty well most of the time.
Then one year a new Head Ranger took over the park. This Ranger thought it was mean to make the grizzly bears go out and chase deer and rabbits, both for the bears and for the poor deer and rabbits. So he rescinded the order against feeding the bears and ordered the discriminatory signs removed. Lots of the Rangers in the park felt this was a bad idea, but they began to make a lot of extra money selling peanuts to the visitors, so they kept quiet. Those who raised a fuss were quietly dismissed.
The next Head Ranger was a bear lover. He had a pet grizzly bear of his own at home and delighted in showing people how tame it was and how fat it had become eating garbage. He created a national advertising campaign urging people to visit the Wall Street park and feed the bears, while he quietly bought up all the peanut franchises. "Feeding bears is your patriotic duty!" said the billboards.
One day Bernie was in a bad mood. He had gas from eating garbage, and all his joints were sore from bear gout. He got to thinking that a little fresh meat wouldn't hurt; in fact it would be a welcome change from the garbage. So the next time a family stopped and got out of their car to feed him peanuts, he ate them up. The family, that is. Peanuts too.
For the next few months all the newspapers were full of headlines condemning Bernie for hideously brutal behavior and demanding his punishment. He was captured and scheduled for execution, of course, but the public felt this was not good enough. Bernie needed to suffer for the horror he had perpetrated on that poor family. Some demanded torture. Others pointed out that grizzly bears are, after all, omnivorous predators; what did people expect? Those in favor of torture countered that there had been no warning; in fact there were billboards everywhere encouraging families to feed the bears. There were even suggestions that the Head Ranger had himself glued horns on Bernie to make him look like a bull, but the Head Ranger insisted he had been trying to make Bernie look like Satan so that everyone would fear him. Eventually the news bogged down in a succession of ever more outrageous accusations, all of which were true, and the public lost interest in the case.
Bernie himself was more or less oblivious to all this, having resigned himself to death at the hands of a superior predator. Such is the way of the woods.
